It’s a phone call you dread. Your friend calls and is upset.
You can barely understand what your friend is saying, but then you realize – their spouse died.
What do you do?
Sometimes, death is expected if your friend’s spouse has been sick.
But then there are the incidences where death is unexpected.
In either scenario, it’s a challenging time for your friend.
In my practice, I work with surviving spouses. It’s a time when listening, setting priorities, and being patient are essential.
Also, I have friends who, unfortunately, have lost their partner in life.
From my experiences, here are four key things to do when your friend’s spouse dies.
1- Understand grief will change your friend
Your friend who was once energetic and smart may suddenly become tired and foggy in thought.
Your thoughtful friend may all of a sudden become forgetful.
They may become rude and agitated – shifting from their polite nature.
All of these behavioral changes are a result of grief.
2- Listen and be comfortable with silence
Stop talking. Just be there to listen or to hold your friend’s hand.
Each person is different when dealing with grief. Your friend may not want to talk but may not want to be alone.
On the other hand, your friend may want to talk and need someone to listen without interruption.
When they speak, it’s not a time to comment or resolve their issues – just let your friend talk.
3- Be patient
Don’t rush your friend to get over it and move on with life.
Losing a spouse is different than losing a parent or a pet.
Let your friend go through their grieving process on their own terms. Of course, step in if you have concerns about their physical health.
4- Suggest specific ways to help your friend
During the grieving process, simple tasks may become too overwhelming.
Your friend may be unable to do simple tasks such as buying groceries, walking the dog, or remembering to water plants.
Offer to take on one or more tasks.
If your friend is drowning in paperwork, offer to help or help your friend find a virtual assistant.
When offering to help, be specific.
When your friend’s spouse dies, there are a myriad of things that need to be accomplished. But the most important thing is to make sure you are a good friend.
Be there with your friend. It’s a difficult time.
You don’t have to have the right words; just show up.
It also helps to bring a bag of DOVE® chocolates (each wrapper has an inspirational message).
(Update to original post from March 14, 2016)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Niv Persaud, CFP®, CDFA®, RICP®, is a Managing Director at Transition Planning & Guidance, LLC. Life is more than money. It’s about living the lifestyle you want and can afford. For that reason, Niv consults with clients on money, life, and work. Her approach capitalizes on techniques she learned throughout her career, including as a management consultant, executive recruiter, and financial advisor. Her services include developing comprehensive financial plans, divorce financial reviews, and retirement plans. Niv actively gives back to her community through her volunteer efforts. She believes in living life to the fullest by cherishing friendships, enjoying the beauty of nature and laughing often — even at herself. Her favorite quote is by Erma Bombeck, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say ‘I used everything you gave me.’”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Niv Persaud, CFP®, CDFA®, RICP®, is a Managing Director at Transition Planning & Guidance, LLC. Life is more than money. It’s about living the lifestyle you want and can afford. For that reason, Niv consults with clients on money, life, and work. Her approach capitalizes on techniques she learned throughout her career, including as a management consultant, executive recruiter, and financial advisor. Her services include developing comprehensive financial plans, divorce financial reviews, and retirement plans. Niv actively gives back to her community through her volunteer efforts. She believes in living life to the fullest by cherishing friendships, enjoying the beauty of nature and laughing often — even at herself. Her favorite quote is by Erma Bombeck, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say ‘I used everything you gave me.’”