4 Things To Do When Your Friend’s Spouse Dies

It’s a phone call you dread. Your friend calls and is upset.

You can barely understand what your friend is saying, but then you realize – their spouse died.

What do you do?

Sometimes, death is expected if your friend’s spouse has been sick.

But then there are the incidences where death is unexpected.

In either scenario, it’s a challenging time for your friend.

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In my practice, I work with surviving spouses. It’s a time when listening, setting priorities, and being patient are essential.

Also, I have friends who, unfortunately, have lost their partner in life.

From my experiences, here are four key things to do when your friend’s spouse dies.

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1- Understand grief will change your friend

Your friend who was once energetic and smart may suddenly become tired and foggy in thought.

Your thoughtful friend may all of a sudden become forgetful.

They may become rude and agitated – shifting from their polite nature.

All of these behavioral changes are a result of grief.

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2- Listen and be comfortable with silence

Stop talking. Just be there to listen or to hold your friend’s hand.

Each person is different when dealing with grief. Your friend may not want to talk but may not want to be alone.

On the other hand, your friend may want to talk and need someone to listen without interruption.

When they speak, it’s not a time to comment or resolve their issues – just let your friend talk.

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3- Be patient

Don’t rush your friend to get over it and move on with life.

Losing a spouse is different than losing a parent or a pet.

Let your friend go through their grieving process on their own terms. Of course, step in if you have concerns about their physical health.

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4- Suggest specific ways to help your friend

During the grieving process, simple tasks may become too overwhelming.

Your friend may be unable to do simple tasks such as buying groceries, walking the dog, or remembering to water plants.

Offer to take on one or more tasks.

If your friend is drowning in paperwork, offer to help or help your friend find a virtual assistant.

When offering to help, be specific.

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When your friend’s spouse dies, there are a myriad of things that need to be accomplished. But the most important thing is to make sure you are a good friend.

Be there with your friend. It’s a difficult time.

You don’t have to have the right words; just show up.

It also helps to bring a bag of DOVE® chocolates (each wrapper has an inspirational message).

(Update to original post from March 14, 2016)

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