January tends to be known as the “divorce month.” It’s when individuals are ready for a new start (“new year, new me”).
It’s also after all the holiday family obligations (face it, the end of the year is FILLED with family gatherings). And maybe the adult kids are back in college or at their out-of-state home.
Mediation is one way to go through a divorce. It’s negotiating a settlement using a neutral third party (the mediator).
Using this process is attractive because your information is not public, attorney fees are lower, and there is greater flexibility in negotiating terms.
Some courts require mediation as a first step before a judge reviews the divorce.
When using mediation, many people assume they don’t need to do anything other than show up for the meeting.
That assumption is incorrect.
Mediators are a neutral party.
They cannot give you financial advice.
Mediators cannot give you legal advice.
Some mediators use a more effective facilitation style than others.
Mediators can be attorneys with mediation training.
Some mediators are counselors with mediation training.
Prior to mediation, you need to prepare your strategy.
Here are four must-haves before your mediation appointment.
1- Prepare yourself mentally for not getting 100% of what you want
Mediation is finding a compromise between you and your soon-to-be ex-spouse.
Spend time figuring out your true minimum threshold for each area you will be addressing. These areas include spousal maintenance, childcare responsibilities, housing, retirement savings, and other assets.
For example, if you must return to the workforce, your spouse may need to pay for educational training to bring your skills current. You may also need your spouse to cover your expenses when you return to school.
Before mediation, work through different scenarios and know what you’re willing to accept as the minimum.
2- Review your finances and KNOW what your lifestyle spending will look like post-divorce
Yes, life does go on after a divorce. Work with a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA®) to calculate your post-divorce income and expenses.
CDFAs® have the necessary training and are qualified to review your full financial situation.
Keep in mind tax implications, retirement savings, and new entertainment expenses (travel, new hobbies, etc.).
3- Discuss “hot topics” in advance with your spouse
Here’s your chance to figure out which items are nonnegotiable with your spouse.
Use these items as leverage to get other items you may want.
For example, you may decide not to touch your spouse’s business but want x, y, and z in return.
4- Consult with a family law attorney to review your strategy
There are many family law attorneys. Look for one who has mediation training. An attorney who only handles litigation usually does not have mediation training and will tend to convince you not to use mediation (think about how they make their money).
You need an attorney to review your situation and help you develop a strategy. This attorney does not have to be present during your mediation but could be available via phone if you need to ask a question. If you want your attorney present, keep in mind you’ll have to pay for their time and the mediator’s time.
Using mediation for divorce is an attractive option because information remains private, attorney fees are lower, and there is greater flexibility in negotiating terms.
However, before going to your divorce mediation, make sure you are prepared with a strategy. Mediators cannot give you financial advice or legal advice.
Mediation is a process. If you can’t make a decision at the meeting, ask to reconvene. Do not let the mediator pressure you. Remember, you’re making major decisions that will impact the rest of your life.
If you’re considering a divorce, we offer a pre-divorce financial review for you to understand your financial situation now and post-divorce.
We also provide a post-divorce transition guidance plan to help you move forward.
Divorce is a difficult process. Stay focused and know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
(Update to original post from August 17, 2015)
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Niv Persaud, CFP®, CDFA®, RICP®, is a Managing Director at Transition Planning & Guidance, LLC. Life is more than money. It’s about living the lifestyle you want and can afford. For that reason, Niv consults with clients on money, life, and work. Her approach capitalizes on techniques she learned throughout her career, including as a management consultant, executive recruiter, and financial advisor. Her services include developing comprehensive financial plans, divorce financial reviews, and retirement plans. Niv actively gives back to her community through her volunteer efforts. She believes in living life to the fullest by cherishing friendships, enjoying the beauty of nature and laughing often — even at herself. Her favorite quote is by Erma Bombeck, “When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say ‘I used everything you gave me.’”